Monday, November 7, 2011

OkCupid Profile: Deleted

love_ by supercoco__
love_, a photo by supercoco__ on Flickr.

I'm bad. I missed blogging yesterday. I now have three makeup posts to write in November. Can I mitigate your disappointment and stop your wagging finger, oh beautiful blogosphere, if I sway you with a fantastic excuse? Can I at least try?

Okay, good. So, I recently started dating again. I had stopped for a little while--okay three years, for several very good reasons. Maybe I'll tell you about some of them in those three make-up posts I have hanging over my head. Anyway, so I started dating again. And in the process I met someone special. He was also new to dating, just in a different way, so we both wanted to date other people for a while. We had mutually agreed to wait until after the holidays to discuss anything serious because my job is extra demanding during the holidays and that seemed a good amount of time for us to date around and make sure we both *knew*.

Recently I noticed that when I went on a date with someone who wasn't him, it seemed unnatural. I missed him. I compared my date to him. He always bested my date, hands down. Still I didn't want to say anything or push him to do something he wasn't really ready to do because I respect him and his need to experience the human phenomena of dating, and I know how to be happy even when I don't get everything I want all the time. I can be comfortable with uncertainty (thank you, Pema Chodron).

The person I love more than anything in the whole world lives in a dorm 350 miles away, and my heart breaks a little every day I don't see him. I know how to live happily for long periods of time without seeing someone I very much want to be with. Especially if it is what's best for him. It's best for my son to be away at school. Likewise, I thought it might be best for this fella I'm seeing to continue dating other people and enjoy that experience.

He had brought up the subject of exclusivity a few times and each time, I told him I preferred to wait until he was ready. I don't want him just to have him. I don't want to be with him just because we're afraid of the uncertainty. I want to be with him because that is what we both want more than we want anything else. Over the weekend, we discovered the latter is the case. So you see, I was busy falling in love, and I didn't want to stop to write or do anything else.

We are a couple now. We both cancelled our remaining dates and deleted our OkCupid profiles. And now I move forward on my path with someone special next to me for as long as it is meant to last.

Sure, I'm nervous. Being single for three years guaranteed no one would break my heart. No one would leave. No one would lie. No one would unlove me. No one would ruin everything (and I mean everything). No one would hurt me. I wouldn't have to make a choice. I wouldn't have to be wrong. 

There was so much safety in being alone, but it was...well, lonely, and I decided it was time for that to end this year. I decided that though I didn't need anyone, I could still want someone.  I could still share the beauty in my life with someone. I could still let someone share his life with me. And I just did. 

I can't remember a time I felt this vulnerable. I'm a stronger person than I used to be, so I feel brave enough to lay myself more bare than I've ever been. It's as scary as anything you could imagine, handing your heart to someone. You kind of need that to live. But it's also ballsy and deliriously exciting--like streaking or skinny dipping. And I'm a lot smarter about who I give my heart to (and where I skinny dip) these days. All I can do is promise my best, hope for the same in return and enjoy every moment of us.

5 comments:

Uncle Guido said...

Fuck yeah! I'm just gonna gloat a little. :-)

Hardin said...

Life is a balancing act. And balancing implies vulnerability.

PC said...

and remember, don't let any doubts lose the magic of love, because it's not everyday you meet someone who has the magic to let you fall in love! xoxo

ShesAllWrite said...

True that, Hardin. Like the song says, "Hard to be soft/Tough to be tender." ~ Metric -- Help I'm ALive

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